I can count with one hand the number of people that have been there for me. I mean during really tough times, times where I couldn’t see anything in front of me besides the problems I faced.
Those people are still there not in the same way but there.
Some come and go and some stay but they’re not present anymore.
What I mean by this, I mean that when I need them, they too are facing their own problems. Their own demons and their own battles.
In life, we go through seasons, some people flourish in winter others in spring and some in summer. And it’s in those seasons that we look inside ourselves and seek the meaning of life. Depression hits us harder when it’s not our season, that’s cause our energy and the universe has shifted their positivity to others, so it seems.
It feels like anxiety, sadness, loneliness hits has harder when our spirit is in the workshop.
You see, when it’s our season. The universe, God, people love us more. It just seems like they gravitate to you easier without making an effort. You can feel shit on that particular day and then something as simple as a random smile from a stranger will uplift your mood.
Seasons.
When it’s not your season,u go into hiding. You close yourself off and hide until ur time to blossom comes. Everything seems against you, even the sun doesn’t shine as bright no more when it’s not your season. It shines but not for you. You believe the world is out to get you so you go into your workshop until you’ve restructured yourself.
The same people that have been there for me, are in their season now. It’s their time for the sun to shine brightly for them. Me, well, I’m in hiding. Feeling attacked and alone. The winds blows are even colder than usual, the universe is against me.
This is the time I feel the loneliest, the time were I feel like I’m not a good friend if I tell you, “hey, come and hold me for a sec” isn’t that why people have partners? To hold us when everyone is too busy to hold you? It’s no ones responsibility to hold me, or cuddle me, keep me warm, make me feel special… it’s my own, right?
We live in a world, where taking ownership of your own feelings and incapabilities is our own. How dare you burden me with your problems when I have my own? Actually mine are worse than yours! So get your shit together!!
I think that’s why we so lonely lately, depression and anxiety is on the rise. We find ourselves creating and living in digital worlds where there, in that world, we can be anything we want to be. But we can’t do it in our own real lives.
I can post on Twitter, I’m lonely and I need a cuddle but in real life, I can text my friends that. We feel safer to tell the outside world our deepest feelings and yet, when it’s time to talk to a real person, I mean in human form, the person that has held you before, it’s feels like you’re a burden.
I’m happy for the people that have been there when I needed them before, but you see, that was my season. Now, in my off season is when I need them the most, they are in their season.
God said “love one another deeply as brothers and sisters… live in harmony with one another.”
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.”
It’s not my season but when it comes, I’ll get out of the workshop and the sun will shine brighter for me too.
I want to be the person that is there for them in their off season because we fight pain with love and fear with love. I chose to love them even when I’m not feeling loved.
This is not to make myself feel better, no. It’s because I’m in my passage right now and when I’m out of this hole, I want to love and to continue the feeling of love, I will love ours. Cause love makes the world go round.
Lotus 