That’s okay

I feel good. 

I feel whole.

I feel complete.

I feel more than enough even though I am not enough for you.

I am more than you.

More than what you think of me.

I may not be the best

But I am the best for myself.

Does that make sense?

No?

Well, it makes sense to me.


My brain has hundreds thoughts a minute.

Sometimes

It doesn’t have any thought at all

Except for in the moment.

Does that make sense?

No?

Well, it makes sense to me.


I can’t do this no more.

Not loving myself enough.

Giving myself more to you than to me.

Does that make sense?

No?

Well, it makes sense to me.


Your warm body

Is what I want but not what I need.

I need your heart, open.

Open to accept my love.

Open to accept the broken pieces of me.

Does that make sense?

No?

Well, it makes sense to me.


My body,

Responds to your touch.

Not because I need you

But my body betrays me.

You see,

The thing is.

My body wants a warm body

But my soul

Needs more than just a body.

My soul needs a love that is open

Show me your scars.

I’ll show you mine.

We can compare battle stories

Cry together

And laugh at the moments that, well, 

If you look at it in that way, it’s funny.

Does that make sense?

No?

Well, it makes sense to me.


I don’t know what I want

When I say that 

It doesn’t give you the right to disrespect me.

It doesn’t mean you can use me.

I know what I want 

Maybe you just can’t give it to me.

Does that make sense?

No?

Well it makes sense to me.


I don’t want to explain myself

To you

Or anyone.

You see, I’ll explain

Talk and talk and talk and talk

Until I’ve used all the words 

Until I’ve used every euphemism 

Until I’ve used every metaphor

But if your heart is not open

To me.

Then you’ll never understand it.

My words will just be words with no meaning.

Does that make sense?

No?

Well it makes sense to me.


I am good

I am love

I am enough

Maybe not for you.

And

That’s okay.


Escape

I need to escape my brain

I need to get away from my thoughts.

These constant arguments I have with myself

For people

For me.

I am tired.

I can’t keep fighting myself.

I need to get out of my head.


I need to escape

Escape

Escape

I need to get away from my thoughts.


You loved me, you told me.

You said you wanted to be with me.

You are in love with me.

I fell for you and you fell in love with me.

This is our story.

It’s not real.

It’s not real

It’s not here.

You are not here.

You don’t exist.

You are not real.


I need to escape

Escape 

Escape

I need to get away from my thoughts.


What do you mean you don’t love me anymore?

I knew you would do this!

You are just like my father.

I knew you would leave me.

You never loved me.

You just wanted to lay in bed with me.

You just wanted a warm body next to you.

You are like all the other men.

You don’t care

You never cared.

You are not real.

This is not real.

The pain feels real.


I need to escape 

Escape

Escape

I need to get away from my thoughts.


Why did he leave?

Why did he not fight enough for me?

Am I not enough?

Is my love not worthy of your love?

Father,

Tell me.

Father,

Hear my cries.

Mother,

Why did you hit me?

What did I do wrong this time?

Why am I carrying you blood in my hands.

Mother, mother!!

Save me!!

Don’t shout at me

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m not perfect.

I am trying.


I need to escape

Escape 

Escape 

I need to get away from my thoughts.


Was this all a dream?

Was I dreaming?

Did he love me?

Did she care?

The pain is real.

These are memories

Amalgamated into fantasies

Of love

Security

Reassurance.

One day,

I’ll find it in the real world

But right now.


I need to escape

Escape 

Escape 

I need to get away from my thoughts.