Be open to love.

It’s easier said than done.

I’ve dated.

I’ve tried.

Maybe it’s not good enough

For you.

---

Be open to explore!

Meet people,

Check.

Make new friends,

Check.

Try something new,

Check.

Get out of your comfortable zone,

Pending…

---

Comfort zone?

The place I feel safe.

I wish it was in someones arms

But it ends up being my pillows in the middle of the night.

I wish it was easy

To get out of my zone.

Explore the world out there,

Isn’t that what love is?

Get out there?

I did.

So what now?

---

Vulnerability, I am afraid of you.

I know what you are.

You’re the storm in the middle of the sunny day,

Grey clouds, heavy rain.

I’m not going through that,

Again.

Im afraid to be vulnerable

Then again, why should I be?

Do I need love?

I have love for myself?

My families love,

My friend’s love

My dog’s love.

So?

---

Companionship is what we seek.

I seek it too.

But I can’t be vulnerable.

I don’t want to be.

I don’t want to let you in.

I don’t want you to see the darkness I live with everyday.

I don’t want you see the pain behind my scars.

I don’t want you see where the scars came from.

I don’t want you see why I cry at night.

I don’t want you see why I’m afraid.

Afraid.

Fear = Fake Events that Appear to be Real.

That’ what my therapist said.

I just forgot to tell her, my events, monsters,

Are real.

I see them at night.

---

That’s why you can’t stay over.

They might appear when you are here, scare you off.

That’s why it’s best to end it here

Before you see them and they scare you away.

I’m protecting you because I care about you.

---

It’s best we end things here.

We could’ve been great but…

It’s not you it’s me.

---

Be open to love.

One day I’ll be open.

Today is just not that day.

---

I can’t write no more

I can’t stop thinking anymore

About

The pain

Living inside.

---

Weighing heavily on me

Like the monster that wakes me up at 3am 

To remind me 

I’m not good enough anymore more.

I can’t write no more.

---

I hurt constantly

The pain is like the bra that I put on every day to hold back the wound from bleeding 

Just a little more.

I can’t write no more.

---

I know what pain is every day

I can speak about it all day long

I can’t articulate myself more than I already do

for 

sure.

---

You see

This monster wakes me up every other day

Not every night

His kind

He lets me sleep some days even weeks

Lets me forget that he even exists.

He

I know his male

Don’t ask me how

Only a man can stand on a woman already in pain and remind her of a failure she is every other day

Because he can’t stand to see her happy a little more.

He can’t stand that she breaks free of the shackles he has on her

He grabs her by the throat and smoothly reminds her that

She’s not good enough anymore.

She can’t write anymore.

She can’t breathe anymore

She needs him, 

He needs his overbearing 

Monstrosity 

On her

So she can’t breathe 

Anymore.

I can’t write anymore.

---

Life has gotten so hard

So complicated

I can’t breathe anymore

He has me paralysed 

Every other night

Remember, 

his kind.

So I can breathe a little more.

I can’t write anymore

---

Because I can’t stop 

Pause

Breathe

Over the pain

Anymore.

I can’t write anymore

---

Because

I’m not good enough

Beautiful enough

Strong enough

anymore.

I can’t write anymore.