The wind is changing…

The need to be fulfilled by someone else is no longer there.

Sorry if you thought you could fulfill me.

Truth is, I never needed anyone.

I just need to learn to believe in myself.

In who I am as person,

In the person I need to be for myself, tired of putting people’s needs first.

Many years I have let them take control of my life,

Yes, I care about how I look and if I look good or not.

No! It does not mean I need you to tell me that I look beautiful, I know I do!!!

I know that some days, I glow from head to toe and some days, I’m a troll in every form and way.

Me not needing you to fulfill me, isn’t about you.

You see, we all want to valued. We all want to feel like we part of something big.

I know at-least I do.

My father was part of the apartheid movement, my mother fought against every social norm and managed to raise me and my sister in a decent home and managed to provide us with good education.

My parents had busy lives when I came along, they were too busy pursuing their careers and unfortunately these busy lives made me vulnerable and always seeking attention from them.

Being the only child for a long time, I did everything to get my parents attention from “run away from home” threats to having boyfriends at a young age, trying smoking and just do everything to get them to notice me. Everything I did was to get attention.

Now still in my twenties, I seek this attention through

Men and unfulfilling friendships.

Now I understand this attention seeking behavior I have makes me super involved in your expectations of me that when I don’t meet your ridiculous expectations and you reject me, I break down.

I’m learning that I don’t need you to fulfill me, and why you may ask yourself?

Because I don’t need your approval,

I am who I am and unfortunately there are certain behavior traits I have developed over the years that I cannot just discard because you feel uncomfortable about it.

I’m not saying I’m less emphatic, no, I am more emphatic to myself and my feelings first.

If you vocalize your discomfort and we have a debate as to why you feel uncomfortable then maybe just maybe I’ll try, I said try, to change but it has to be a good argument.

I’m also tired of being a push over, yes I am nice and yes I care about you and your feelings but damn! Know your boundaries!!!

I mean, boundaries are there to protect me and you need to learn to respect these boundaries I have created.

Again if you don’t like it, we can debate.

I’m learning to realize that I am who I am and there is a lot fucked up about me and I’m not perfect, I’m learning to change to be a better person to myself and the world. Cause you know? we want to feel like we part of something bigger.

I’m sure you want to feel like that extra R2 you add when you buy KFC for the packed lunches for the children makes a difference whilst you purchase a R100 meal. Cause that R2 will make a difference.

I want to wear pink when I go for those walkathons to raise awareness for breast cancer.

You want to drive a car with less carbon front print because you want to ensure there is a tomorrow for your future generation.

And these things makes us want to feel like we are valuable and contributing to the greater good for the future.

The wind is changing and it’s strong!

Pushing me to learn my ugly truths.

Pushing me to learn that I am enough.

Pushing me to set boundaries.

Pushing me to learn my own value.

I’ve tried fighting for many years but now my arms have grown weak from fighting and I’m learning to unfold myself from the box I’ve put myself in.

It’s not easy, it’s hard and painful to get out my very comfortable box that has become my safe haven. It’s time I wake up and smell the roses!

The world outside is cold and I just need to be the sun through storm, cause I am strong enough and able enough.

The wind is changing but to my advantage.