Today is the day you were born
Without you
I would not exist
I want to write beautiful things
Cherish the memories
Of when you took me to the amusement park
I held onto you
You were my protecter
At the time
Things were perfect.
There are many more memories.
I want to remember.
The brain has some how
Rewired itself to remember the pain.
All I remember is that you were my first heart break.
I remember that day so clearly,
Like it happened yesterday.
Your promised you would come pick me up
You never came.
I stared at the window,
Waiting
it was raining that day.
It was my birthday.
You never came.
And ever since I knew what broken promises looked like.
What rejection and abandonment was.
I didn’t quite understand it.
I was only 7.
How could you know?
I tried to tell you
You say with such pride, arrogance even.
“You waited for me and didn’t eat. Your grandmother called me late to force me to apologise”.
You laugh at my pain
I just stared
Shocked
Hurt
Like they all do.
You left me
When I needed you the most
The other family was better
They gave you happiness
She didn’t want me in her house.
I was the bastard child.
Strange looking, not exactly black nor white.
You now say, you can never marry someone again if they don’t love your children.
But you did that to me
And never apologised.
Never said, I am sorry for leaving you.
I am sorry that I lived comfortably when you,
You lived in a cramped out house with 5 other members, counting pieces of meat for dinner.
You never said sorry.
Like they all do.
They say through time
Healing comes.
I had to forgive you.
Not for you but for myself
I had to let go for myself.
But triggers
Those damn triggers!
Just sends me into a spiral
All over again.
I am learning to live with the pain
You have caused.
I have to.
There’s no other way forward.
I am thankful though.
I am thankful for seeing the man you have become
Realising that you did what you did for your own selfish reasons.
You hurt me and can’t see it, refuse to see it even when I show you
My wounds
My scars
You don’t care
Or maybe, you do.
Culture doesn’t allow you to show weakness,
Show vulnerability.
Culture and being a man has told me
That to love a woman, you have to break her.
Only then can you be her saviour, her king.
I love you, father.
I will always love you no matter how many more heartbreaks you cause.
Pain lives here because of you.
But I am also strong because of you.
Lotus 